Saturday, 12 May 2007

Happy Birthday? Yeah right....

One step forward, two steps back. Just when I was getting all proud of myself for overcoming my emotions with the whole Turkey thing, it leaps out from behind its rock to bite me in the ass. This time, I'm only struggling with one thing - devastation that I can't be with Shoes on his birthday, which is today. I thought I was fine - I texted him last night, wrote on his facebook wall this morning.... and then came across some of the pics of all of them on the beach that OJ posted yesterday. And suddenly I saw everything that I'm missing, coupled with the fact that I feel like complete shit that I can't even look my boyfriend in the eyes and say happy birthday, and I'm back to square one all over again.

I suppose it was when I was trying to clean the bathroom just now and found myself curled up on my bed howling into a pillow instead, that I realised perhaps I'm just going to have to let this be a seriously shit day.

So, therefore, I have nothing else to say except that I am truly miserable, and I have had fucking enough - I never want to hear the word Turkey again, I don't want to see their photos and I want to start feeling like there might be something for me in the near future, rather than just endless rehashes of their favourite holiday - do I sound spiteful? You know what, right now I couldn't care less. I've been a saint for long enough - it's time I let myself be selfish and feel as slighted as I really do. So I'm going to stop writing now before I feel like I have to delete this later.

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