Saturday, 12 May 2007


Looking back on my rather bitter post of half an hour ago, I felt compelled to update the situation here: I'm not the raging cow I appear to be there! Almost as soon as I'd finished posting that, the anger dissipated and I was left feeling somewhat relieved. Which is the wonder of writing really - who needs therapy? If I hadn't posted in the heat of the moment, I would have carried it around with me alot longer. I am also one of those people who find calm in cleaning, so the bathroom is now spic 'n span and I am in a zen-like state. So, am I still even partially angry? Not anymore. The pictures were the catalyst - I went on facebook to wish Shoes happy birthday and was completely unprepared when I found photos of them, tanned, healthy and baking in the sun on a beautiful beach. I know I said I didn't want to see anymore pics, but despite myself, I do. It's a bit like the scene of a car accident - you know you shouldn't slow down and look, but you can't help yourself. I won't go looking for more though; I'll wait until they get home - then at least if I'm going to throw a temper tantrum, I'll have a sympathetic audience! :-)

I am still cut up about not being able to share Shoes' birthday with him, and I doubt I'll feel any better about that aspect - out of all the people in the world, I should be the first one to be there on his birthday, and it's hard not to feel resentment that the others all have that luxury and I don't. Harder still that although he'll miss me on the periphary, he's going to have such a great time he won't be wishing I was there every second. Which is a good thing, I suppose; I don't want him to be miserable on his birthday. It's just a very human reaction - I want to be essential for his happiness on this day of all days, and I know that I'm not - well, not completely anyway.

I wasn't lying when I said I'd had enough though. I really have; I would love to fast forward two weeks when life is back to normal, and they've stopped thinking and talking about Turkey; the pictures are old news and there's some new event that we're planning which I will have a part in this time. I'm just a bit tired of extreme emotional reactions - I pride myself on being fairly balanced person, and I'm finding it exhausting and disconcerting to be riding high on my own sanctity the one minute, and plummeting to the darkest depths of my humanity the next. Thank goodness I'm not a dramatic person! ;-)

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