Every Rose Has Its Porn

Every week at our house we have Sunday Night Movie Night, where OJ, Neutrino and more recently, Miss M and sometimes TheArtyOne, come over, fight tooth and nail for a spot on the three seater couch, and watch the movie of the week with us. The routine goes like this:

6pm: Miss M arrives

6:30pm: Much action in the kitchen as the Awesome Foursome and Miss M all try to make dinner at the same time

7:00pm: Neutrino & TheArtyOne arrive

7:30pm: Everyone sits down to dinner

7:50pm: Everyone is finished with dinner and waiting for OJ

8:00pm: MOVIE START TIME...still waiting for OJ

8:15pm: OJ arrives

8:17pm: OJ unpacks his KFC at the table whilst everyone else settles on the couches - fights ensue btw Miss M, Neutrino and TheArtyOne as to who sits where (the first three to arrive get to sit like sardines on the 3 seater. The 4th person has to shame it on the kitchen chair)

8:20pm: Start movie

8:25pm: Pause movie so OJ can go outside for smoke

8:28pm: Play movie

8:30pm: Rewind movie because Miss M and Scarf are talking so loudly no-one can hear

8:31pm: Play movie

8:34pm: Pause movie so Eyes can swap places with Scarf, as he is caught in between her and Miss M (the Axis of Evil) and is being deafened by their "whispers"

8:35pm: Play movie

8:30pm: Pause movie so everyone can argue about who's turn it is to make tea

8:33pm: The unfortunate soul who has been hen-pecked to the point of distraction gets up to make tea. Everyone else up for a toilet break

8:40pm: Tea is delivered

8:41pm: Play movie

8:55pm: Pause movie so OJ can go outside for smoke

And so on and so forth. Finishing a movie at my house is a notable achievement all on its own. Finshing a movie that everyone understands is like finding a rare pink diamond - it ain't gonna happen in this lifetime. We even have trouble with animated films.

This Sunday past can only be described as an Epic Fail. The movie - The International - was a bad copy, and the characters sounded like they were speaking underwater. Two minutes in and we'd all decided it was too bad to watch. You'd think that we'd have been able to find something else pretty easily, given that we have Sky TV (British version of DSTV) and have access to something crazy like 1000 channels (how many of these are actually worth watching is another story altogether). However, after 15 minutes of Britain's Got Talent, which OJ the reality TV hater grumbled throughout, we were at a loss.

Scarf: LET'S WATCH PORN!!!!!

Lopz: No dude, you have to pay for it.

Scarf: LET'S PAY FOR PORN AND WATCH IT!!!!

Everyone: What is wrong with her?

Shoes aka Master of the Remote: *flipping through documentaries* How about the mating habits of the pink-tailed Australian bushbaby?

Scarf: LET'S WATCH ANIMAL PORN!!!!!

Neutrino: Dude, WTF (said double-yoo tee eff)??? Why do you want to watch porn?

Scarf: I don't know, it's what groups of friends do, isn't it?

Everyone: DUDE!!!!

I have weird friends. But not porn-watching ones.