Tuesday, 19 January 2010

A Letter to Protektorvest

Dear Protektorvest

I am a South African living in London. I am writing to share something of our culture with you today - a culture which you have clearly misunderstood. If you are to be successful in the South African market, you'll need the right tools with which to fight your battles - of which there are many in my country, as I'm sure you'll agree. In fact, a recent study suggests that the genocide in Sudan and the invasions of Iraq and Afganhistan are mere extras on the world's stage when compared with the charismatic lead, the violence crisis in South Africa. This lead is getting so much tabloid attention that even Angelina Jolie has reportedly scheduled a visit to SA to showcase the plight of middle class citizen crime. (Aside: she could be a good marketing angle for you - imagine her 57 children all wearing your stab proof vests! Plus you know she has a knife collection, so they could test the vests' effectiveness at a press conference).

Now, it's not your business per se that I think is the issue. After all, you're obviously a bunch of young entrepreneurs who smoke a lot of crack, and on one of your trips to the land of WTF Am I Doing you spotted a gap in the market and decided to capitalise on it. Fair play to you - I've heard it's quite difficult not to shit your pants when smoking crack, let alone come up with a workable idea. The real issue is that you obviously have no idea what you're dealing with. Please imagine now that you are a vest-wearing visitor during the World Cup, and follow these ground rules to help you improve your business model:

1. In the UK, you have knife crime. In South Africa, we are not pussies. We have guns and we use them.

2. Sewing team colours and/or badges onto your Protektorvest will increase your chances of being attacked by 100%. Even those petty criminals who eschew violence cannot be held responsible for their reactions when they see the symbol of St George. This is akin to baiting a bull, and you know what happens when the matador is gored to death? Nothing - it is perfectly legal.

2a. If you ignore the strong advisory above and are grievously wounded in a resultant attack, do not expect assistance from our government. Remember, we are a lawless nation of gun toting savages, lead in part by the guy from the ANC who frequently incites the masses to 'kill for Zuma'. Prosecution is a dirty word.

3. Your proposed delivery of the vests presents a problem. You should know that in Africa we have no Royal Mail - indeed, the only recognised seal bestowed upon our postal service is that of possession being nine tenths of the law. In other words, don't expect your vests to make their destinations. In all likelihood, they will end up being worn by the criminals you wish to foil, meaning your only option would be to swiftly despatch AK47s to combat your attackers (note: these have been known to kill their owners when said owners are ignorant dipshits, so you might want to seek legal advice before proceeding).

4. I'm confused by the ambiguity of your marketing slogan, Protect and Connect. Protect and Connect your fist with your attacker's face? Protect and Connect with the other fist swinging Brits at the game? Protect and connect with your attacker on a spiritual level and in doing so promote world peace (if so, compliments on the marvellous paradox)? You definitely need clarity. I would suggest this: Protect the Defect. It's ok to be the face of bad genetics, it's out of your control.

Anyway, I sincerely hope that I have been of service to you today. I wish you the best of luck in your business venture, and I hope you don't mind that I blind copied in the violently left wing members of the ANC to this e-mail. It's important for all of us to promote the Freedom of Information Act.

All the best, and remember to clean out that crack pipe.
Lopz
*Note: Text copied directly from the author's original e-mail to Protektorvest.

41 comments:

angel said...

This was absolutely hysterical!

LaverneSnead01 said...

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. ....................................................

芥末 said...

初次造訪~安安^^.........................

無尾熊可愛 said...

上床圖片av圖片免費色情圖台灣性網陰蒂淫妹貼圖色情激突成人論壇成人色情網激情成人聊天室情色影音鹹濕女生自慰影片淫慾自慰色情a片成人色情圖片網情人視訊網成人話題成人色情台灣成人淫蕩a圖片情色留言板女生奶頭情色成人全裸美女圖片情色寫真裸體照大奶子台灣色情成人網站一夜正妹美女裸體寫真g罩杯美女sex520情趣娃娃視訊打槍視訊辣妹uthome淫亂走光照av情色網女生高潮成人自拍火辣眉眉太太陰毛美女視訊聊天全裸入鏡火辣av三點全露

念強 said...

臺灣自拍網臺灣自拍貼圖網做愛自拍照免費線上自拍影片自拍短片免費qq美美色網漫畫免費sex片免費人妻av免費下載a電影免費下載成人網免費下載網站免費日本成人電影免費日本短片免費卡通網免費卡通影片區免費卡通線上影片免費卡通觀看免費台灣18成人免費台灣av免費台灣av片免費台灣自拍免費幼幼影片免費本土性愛影片免費母子亂倫影片免費同志漫畫免費同志網免費卡通做愛影片免費卡通色漫畫動畫免費卡通色情片線上看免費日本線上看gba真實賽車遊戲下載專區 vul3小遊戲免費成人影片成人漫畫

佳慧 said...

期待你的下次更新喔^____^........................................

念強 said...

人是受想像力所支配的。......................................................

雯彬 said...

你的選擇就是做或不做,不做就永遠不會有機會 ....................................................

Phuong said...

Unable to give you a heart. so have a reply to push up your post. ........................................

GeraldF_Rotter雅慧 said...

thank you for you to make me learn more,thank you∩0∩ ........................................

文君 said...

以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告........................................

嵇ImogeneL_Spielman said...

Hard day......................................................................

韋于倫成 said...

良言一句三冬暖,惡語傷人六月寒。.........................

韋于倫成 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。 ..................................................

730A_ngelinaRabideau0 said...

看看blog放鬆一下,工作累死了............................................

Burma家銘ege said...

被人揭下面具是一種失敗,自己揭下面具卻是種勝利。............................................................

王周宏儒 said...

所有的資產,在不被諒解時,都成了負債..................................................

佳皓 said...

要持續更新下去喲!!祝你心情愉快............................................................

冠慧 said...

來幫推 你個blog影d相真係好靚,係我至愛~.................................................................

吳思 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。....................................................................

江婷 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。.................................................................

鄒秋 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼............................................................

鄭湘定 said...

向著星球長驅直進的人,反比踟躕在峽路上的人,更容易達到目的。............................................................

張怡 said...

"Very interesting post!!!!Thanks for the information!!!!!!!..................................................................

茂慧茂慧 said...

Share and share alike.............................................................

玉苓玉苓 said...

心平氣和~祝你也快樂~~..................................................................

佑英佑英 said...

我們必須先有哭泣,才有歡笑;也必須先感到人生的悲哀,然後才感到人生的快樂。............................................................

芸茂芸茂 said...

真有內容的部落格~推推!............................................................

楊儀卉 said...

很棒的分享~留言支持!.......................................................

琬安琬安 said...

缺少智慧,就是缺少一切..................................................

RicoLisi0802志竹 said...

工作,是愛的具體化~~~~努力吧!............................................................

張志亦劉美玲 said...

Pay somebody back in his own coin. .......... . . . ............. .......... ..........

佳陳容 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼.................................................................

宛淑芳真 said...

Better say nothing than nothing to the purpose.............................................................

偉曹琬 said...

困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。......................................................................

偉曹琬 said...

來打聲招呼-大家好!!!..................................................

惠桂刁惠桂刁惠桂刁 said...

打聲招呼,祝你一切平安!............................................................

said...

打聲招呼,祝你一切平安!............................................................

1615 said...

I do like ur article~!!!............................................................

王辛江淑萍康 said...

好的部落格就要和好朋友分享--感謝分享..................................................

黃英吳思潔吳思潔邦 said...

你怎麼能經過一片海,而忘記它的藍?......................................................................