The Chillout Session

Stress has a taste. It's metallic, like Red Bull, but also bitter, like coffee brewed too strong. It has acidic properties too. It can make your stomach heave as if you've had too much tart white wine, or a huge Mexican dinner.

I can't actually decide whether Wednesday or Thursday was my worst day this week. It is literally one step forward, two steps back with this visa drama. I found out that I could apply at the Portugeuse Consulate for my Schengen visa, after having been told it would have to be the Spanish Consulate, where I couldn't get an appointment for love nor money. One step forward.

However, the date I am eventually going to get for my PEO appointment (for my new UK visa) is so close to the date that I fly, that the Consulate says it can't issue me the travel visa in time. It says the turn-around time is a month. 2 steps back.

I still don't know for sure what is going to happen. Once I've written my citizenship test on Monday and phoned to book my PEO appointment, I will have a better idea of where I stand. But hope is hanging by a thread.

I finally decided last night to surrender the fight. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to get my paperwork organised - I'll do everything I can within reason. But I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to be able to go. If it somehow does work out, then I will thank God for the miracle and have an amazing holiday. If it doesn't, well, I am mentally prepared for it.

This might seem like a negative way to look at things, but for me it is merely preparation for the next mental battle I have to face. The exhaustion and fatigue and disappointment everytime I try and travel are so consuming that I lose not only the will to try, but also any fun in the build up to the holiday. By the time one of these events is over, I am left trying to pick up the pieces for long after the holiday is forgotten. And I haven't even mentioned the money, which we can ill afford at the moment.

After making my decision last night, I had a fantastic night's sleep. I even had a really nice dream, involving a fabulous braai with my family and the really hot boys from another family we were friends with when I was younger. No, it wasn't THAT kind of dream! They were just eye candy ;-) But it was the first dream I've had in as long as I can remember.

I woke up refreshed this morning, and came into work for what has been a relaxing and pleasant day. It helped that both directors were out all day today, so instead of doing the work of 2 or 3 people as I have been doing all week (which has only added to the stress), I got to read Perez Hilton and catch up on all my gymnastics news.

And I feel completely calm about it now. I am ok with not going. This will not be another Turkey. This time my boyfriend will stay behind, and we will go for a spa day or something so I can get a bit of R&R.

If it works out, I will be very happy, but for now I choose to believe that it will not. I still have a small ray of hope burning deep down, but it no longer defines how I am going to handle the situation. My decision to be at peace about this does.

I feel rather New Age or Zen writing this - I am so not the meditation type! I am all about action, all of the time. But I've realised that sometimes you only make things worse for yourself if you try too hard.

And guess what? The Twitch seems to have gone.