Swansong

In keeping with the theme of the weekend, I have been hunting around for anti-Valentine's Day sentiments to share with you this lovely Friday. Now, I have no particular reason to hate Valentine's Day. In fact, I don't actually hate it, per se. What I do take issue with is that "society" (don't you love that word) tells me that on this particular day of the year, I should be compelled, nay, shamed into, making my partner feel special. All because some patron saint of voetsek shot an arrow 5000 years ago and decided his action should put the modern world out of pocket. Why can't I make Shoes feel special on the 13th of Feb? Or indeed, for the other 364 days of the year besides V-Day? Take that, diminutive patron saint - and by the way, has anyone told you you're naked? Get some clothes on, for the love of Mary, this isn't Big Brother.

So when I found this, I thought it was a nice alternative to candy hearts and PS I Love Yous.

The Original
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.

Pessimist
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she doesn't comes back within 24 hours, forget her.

Patient
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back...

Obsessive Compulsive
If you love somebody, set her free ...
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

Psychotic
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

P.E.T.A.
If you love somebody, set her free...
And throw paint over the sadists who captured her in the first place.

Lawyers
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she doesn't come back, take her for every penny she's got.

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also got to get an upgrade.

Darwin
If you love somebody, set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high,
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

The Terminator
If you love somebody, set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

A Little Possessive
If you love somebody, don't set her free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set her free,
By offering her pension and other benefits; then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody set her free...
Instantaneously...and look for others simultaneously.

Psychologist
If you love somebody, set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant.
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme.
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare.
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody, set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why, say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system.
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty.
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

And as a final nod to the holiday, Cupid sometimes works in mysterious ways, as shown by this swan's case of mistaken identity.

Germany: A swan that fell in love with a pedal boat is back courting its plastic lover after spending the winter in a local zoo. Swans choose a partner for life but the rare Black Australian swan, nicknamed Petra, made the mistake of falling for a pedal boat designed to look like a swan; and when Petra's pedal boat lover refused to fly south for the winter, Petra also remained - a move that could have killed her as the cold weather arrived.

In the end though local zoo chiefs took pity on the swan and gave her and her boat boyfriend a place to spend the winter, and this week the pair were once again on the lake together. According to biologists in Muenster, north-western Germany, Petra has been circling her plastic lover, staring endlessly at it and making crooning noises, all the typical signs of a swan in love.

The boat in the meantime is still being hired out to families who want to picnic on the Aasee lake - where the star-crossed lovers have become a tourist attraction. Zoo director, Joerg Adler said, 'This arrangement could go on forever, the swan obviously believes it has found a partner for life.'

*This post is dedicated to my gorgeous sister, for whom I would happily hunt down Cupid and wring his flabby little neck.