Cruel Summer

Aaaah, the London heatwave. I've been highly amused at all the cattiness on facebook this week from those Capetonions attempting to one-up their friends in London by criticising the summer here ("yes, but you only get 3 weeks of this while it's 26 degrees in the middle of winter here - take that!"). Why is it that many South Africans are so quick to diss the rare good fortunes we have with the weather over here? Jealousy, perhaps? A determined attempt to make Cape Town seem like the coolest place on earth? Never fear peeps, Cape Town IS the coolest place on earth (sorry Gautengers). But cut us a little slack and let us enjoy our diamond summer, alright?

Speaking of the summer, the Brits have a wonderful expression for this heat: steaming. It never fails to make me giggle, as for some reason I picture a giant steaming turd each time I hear it. So for example, when you get off the tube in the mornings with your hair plastered to your forehead, your thighs sticking together like gummy eyes after a good night's sleep and your armpits drenched with a mixture of perspiration and a healthy dose of Chanel No 5 to cover the smell, it is appropriate to say that it is steaming outside. Incidentally, steaming can also be used to describe a state of severe intoxication, as in "I was absolutely steaming last night", which would indicate that you had almost certainly done something very stupid / embarassing in your drunken state, and might lead the listener to harrass you for lurid details. Either way, both are unceasingly funny, and this is from someone who usually covers her eyes and ears during the toilet humour bits in gross-out comedies.

The problem with this heat, besides the inevitable sport of wet armpit-smelling in which you are unwittingly engaged on the tubes, is that people and places are just not prepared for it. Air conditioning is a luxury rather than a compulsory part of building designs. Sunstroke strikes quickly and unexpectedly (not us southerners of course, but the pale-skinned poms whose Edwards Cullen-like translucence is no match even for the weaker northern hemisphere sun). Passing out is common, and attracts very little fanfare. If you see someone lying prostrated on the pavement or in the tunnels of the Underground, check to see someone is attending them, and then step carefully over them and continue on your merry way, no questions asked.

My gym is a good example of How Not To Handle A British Heatwave. You'd think that Virginactive, with all their money and when combined with the anal levels of attention paid to Health and Safety in this country, might think to make their buildings safer places to work out in when it gets hot. An airconditioning system that ACTUALLY EJECTS COLD AIR wouldn't go amiss. It would certainly beat the current situation of having to locate one of 3 units across the entire substantially sized gym and stand directly underneath it to feel the very faint gust of slightly tepid air that barely ruffles the hairs on your arms. It would probably assist with reducing the vast quantities of sweat that covers everything from the handles of the stairmasters to the backs of the lateral pull-down machines. It would certainly have prevented the girl in my spinning class the other day from hitting the deck as she walked out, after we'd spent 45 minutes labouring in conditions so hot and humid that most of were slightly green in the face and more than a few had to sit down for 5 minutes to recover. And it would definitely improve on the pool situation, which is now so packed with exercisers seeking relief that the water is overheating and it's like doing laps in a hot bath. The only plus side is that I think I am losing my own bodyweight in fat everytime I work out, which must certainly be worth all the stars I've been seeing before my eyes.

Sod's Law though (Murphy's Law is only used in Ireland over here): my friend Britney says that it's been raining non-stop in Croatia despite the temperature averaging 29 degrees. With only 2 weeks to go til we leave for our island-hopping tour of the country, I am really hoping this won't be the Travel Curse of this particular holiday. I know the travel gods have something up their sleeves, because I got both my visas without a hitch. Oh, the anticipation!