Did She or Didn't She? Only Her Facebook Knows for Sure.

I've just done something that has made me feel extremely guilty, but so very satisfied at the same time. No, I didn't eat a whole slab of chocolate or have sex in a public place - I...wait for it....CULLED MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS!

I went through my friends list, and I DELETED people! It was awesome. And yes, I need a new life, but anything that distracts me from my current one is good in my book. I've wanted to reduce my friends list for ages now. What's the point in having all these people that you never speak to see what is going on in your life? Why should I have to follow news feeds of old school chums I last saw 12 years ago? You get my point. They're not my friends, they're my acquaintances. Part of my history, if you will - a common denominator in the sum of life. I don't have any ill will towards them, but if anything drastic had to happen to them, my universe would not shake on its foundations either.

So I had two criteria for striking people:

1) I do not recognize their name (you'd be surprised how many people I came across that made me go, who the hell???)

2) I have not spoken to them in the last 2 or 3 years / I cannot see myself speaking to them in the next 2 or 3 years

Like a chop, I forgot to check how many friends I had to start off with, but I think it was around 320. I am now the proud owner of 279 friends. If I'm right, that's 41 "friends" who will never irritate me with their meaningless mini-feeds again or have to be subjected to endless photos of me popping up in theirs (there are currently 823 photos of me on facebook; my true friends are exceedingly snap happy).

Damn it feels good! Technically, I could probably elimate 100 more quite easily if I go on the above two criteria alone. But what I did take into account was gut reaction. This came in one of two forms:

1) Oh, I couldn't possibly elimate someone who gave me their last rolo

2) Koos / Fanny might notice and think they've done something to make me hate them

And this is where the guilt and paranoia set in. It's my facebook profile, to do with whatever I want to. I do not have to cave to peer pressure and let every Tom, Dick and Harry into my life. But oh my sweet pink bananas, how terrified I am that I'll crush someone's tender heart. Of course, you might attribute this emotion to a bad case of God Syndrome and assume I think I am the centre of everyone's universe. But it's more like a fear of being disliked - who wants that? Yes, I am seeking professional help for my sad high school kid psyche!!!

Anyway, it was vastly entertaining, and I'm sure I will do another round of cuts in the near future, once I've gotten over the psychological effects of this one.

And tomorrow, I will tell you what's really going on in my life and why I've just written a whole post about facebook instead of what's really bothering me. Today was just too depressing for that conversation.

Now, go and see if you've survived the cut - you know you want to!

Lopz Likes Jake's Lollipop

Right, I need to get something off my chest. For those of you who don't use facebook, you should probably stop reading now. However, if you are like me, and you know how lame it is to stalk your friends but you just can't help yourself, I would appreciate your input on this.

I have taken issue with facebook's new range of "actions". Recently the content providers, in their ever expanding quest for world domination and consequent willing contribution to the current economic downfall, have added a potential action for pretty much everything that your friends do. For a few months now, we've had the ability to "comment" on things. For example, I edit the music field in my profile, and my friends sees it and comments: "For the love of all that is holy, do you seriously listen to Def Leppard? You loser!" Or something like that. Kind of pointless, but not actually offensive, unless you have befriended offensive people (yes you, the one with the 650 friends. That is what happens when you befriend random strangers in an attempt to look popular).

Then there are the less inflammatory but more useful actions, such as being able to add an event to your calendar when you see it on a friend's mini-feed (a list of one's online activities, for those of you who don't speak Facebook).

From there, we turn a corner and begin an unstoppable slide down the slippery slopes of insanity, beginning with the "like" action. In my book, this one scored top marks for Most Imbecilic Idea Ever Had By A Facebook Employee. You can "like" anything from a friend's taste in music or a photo they put up, to their status update. So Jimmy writes "I'm tired" and you can like it (you literally click on a link that says like, and you are listed underneath the status / photo as "Lopz likes this". With a little thumbs up sign. No, really.) Am I the only one who is befuddled by the absurdity of this action? So you like that Jimmy is tired, or that he just ate an egg sandwich (while I may be a regular facebook user, I pride myself on not boring people to the point of artery severing with inane updates). So the fuck what? Does anybody out there REALLY give a crap that you like someone else's egg sandwich? And while I'm on it, I would like to beg mercy from those who insist on telling us they are eating egg sandwiches, or that they are are cleaning their rooms, or that their brains are about to explode from the effort of thinking of an original status update. Please people. No-one cares. If you must do it, go on twitter, where grinches like myself don't dare to venture.

So, in case I wasn't clear, the "like" action has been my facebook nemesis. Until today.

This is what I found on my friend's mini-feed:

Jake just got a fresh new lollipop. It looks like it could use some breaking into!
02:54 - Comment - Like - Unlike - Suck Jake's Lollipop

Suck Jake's lollipop????

The potential for taking the piss is so vast, I don't know where to start. Suffice it to say that I believe facebook is slowly but surely targeting a younger and younger audience, and at nearly 30, I think I might have to look at putting an expiry date on my account. After all, can you really consider sucking Jake's lollipop at 40 with a straight face?