Give Me a Sign

In my last post I mentioned that something was bugging me, and after saying I'd write about it, I then practiced passive avoidance by not reading anyone else's blogs so I wouldn't feel guilty for not writing that post! It's amazing how we bloggers start feeling beholden to the promises we make to our readers, no matter that their daily lives are not at all affected by our decisions. Therein lies the truth that ego is essential if you are going to put your life online.

In fact, it's not that big a deal, but I decided I wanted some perspective on it before I told you. Just over a month ago, Shoes bought a motorbike. We'd spent some time planning for this. He did his £800 bike license at the beginning of the year; we spent tons of money on gear and accessories, not to mention the bike itself, and overall it was a huge decision for us and a massive financial undertaking. So 2 weeks ago when he went downstairs to our secure parking garage, ready to ride to work, and found the bike missing....well, it was a bigger blow than it might have been had it not been such a challenge for us to get in the first place. Add to that the fact that we have not been able to go longer than 6 months in London without some catastrophe befalling us, and the result was two very miserable people who had just about lost all hope for anything good to ever happen in their lives.

As I said, I needed perspective, because any time a tragedy occurs, no matter how big or small, you need time to realise that it's not the end of the world even when it feels like it is. To cut a long story short, insurance has paid out, and Mark is off to fetch his new bike tonight. He is over the moon of course, and delighted that this bike is even better than the last one. It also comes with a security system to rival that of Alcatraz, so we need never again worry about being easy pickings for the chav kids who hang out around our flats (we have CCTV footage of them wheeling the bike away).

But the whole experience has reiterated a few truths for me, which were further confirmed by my good friend Bear. London has proved very tough on us as a couple. By comparison, our life in CT really was quite charmed. Some of our experiences have been down to bad planning, others to sheer bad luck, and some to what I like to call Fate's Fuck You Special. It involves a curve ball, thrown really hard by a particularly bad tempered spirit, which bears the words "Oh really? You think you're tough? Catch this and we'll see if you're still standing afterwards!" Those are the disasters that go beyond just bad luck; the ones that make you believe that if Karma is real, you must be one deviant person, because no-one actually deserves to get shot down like that over and over again - at least, not if you're a nice, normal type.

But in the midst of all the trials, we have managed to maintain what I think is a pretty damn positive outlook on life. Sometimes we get exhausted from the efforts of overcoming the obstacles, or of anticipating when the next disaster will hit and planning on how to minimise its impact. But we've managed to count our blessings anyway, and we've remembered to take a moment to look for the flowers beneath our feet, even when we think we've stepped into a desert wasteland. We've learnt to laugh when things are at their absolute worst and we can't see a way out. We've learnt to work together as a team to overcome the challenges, rather than take out the stress on each other. We've learnt that as long as we face everything together and never take each other for granted, it doesn't matter what gets thrown at us - we'll get through it, or we'll make a huge noise and put up a big fight trying to!

And so it gets me thinking....has all this happened because this is something we needed to learn? If the most important thing in my life is the strength of my relationship with Shoes, it follows that I would be willing to do anything to protect and nurture that. Is this God's weird way of giving me what I want the most? If so, I will certainly have words with Him when I see Him one day! But as much as I don't always like it, it does make perfect sense.

Ok, enough philosophising for the day. The two most awesome things in my life right now, in random order:

1) The joy on Shoes face when he gets home tonight with his new bike

2) The fact that I am going to see Britney Spears in concert not once, but TWICE in the next two days!!!! Will explain tomorrow...for now, I'm off to see my girl lip synch her way through her greatest hits and I am UBER excited!

The Hook-Up

I'm pretty much over my enormous irritation from Monday's post. Of course I'm disappointed I can't go on the trip, but also, there was a small part of me that just KNEW that I was going to be paying for that one mistake (getting my passport stolen) for a long time to come, because that's just how it is with me and travelling. I expect the absolute worst now, and then I have my day or two of ranting when it turns out that my fears are justified, but I'm over it pretty quickly. It's not really a surprise. My housemates accuse me of being unnecessarily negative in my attitude to travelling, but erm, ja.... that's very easy to say when you haven't been through what I've been through. If the travel gods were playing russian roulette with your plans, you might also be just a little cynical. And easily pissed off. And anyway, I've just proved that I'm not being negative, only realistic.

So. We're not going to Germany anymore, and now that I'm over my initial rage at the unfairness of it all, I'm able to look for the positives in the situation. For example, we're trying to pay off our debt, and when every spare penny you have should be going towards that, it's not the smartest idea in the world to take yet another trip. So I can feel good that the money we would have spent is being smartly distributed, instead of frivolously thrown about.

Also, I have a feeling that this time, if Shoes and I don't go, the others won't go either. Although several of our friends expressed interest at the time, a quick poll over the last couple of days has revealed mixed feelings about actually going ahead with the trip; some due to money issues and others to different trips they'd prefer take. In fact, as it stands, the only people definitely in are Eyes, Scarf, OJ and possibly Neutrino, who has already explained that July is the worst month of the year for him in terms of cash flow. So if he can't go, it will be down to three, and I guarantee that Eyes and Scarf won't go if it's just the two of them and a plus one. Not that I am feeling smug about this at all; I am merely satisfied that it hasn't worked out for everyone so I don't have to miss out again. I think that's a fair enough reaction. Maybe we can try again next year, and maybe in the interim Shoes and I can just get married so I don't ever have to face this issue again. This is the third time I've had to mention marriage as a solution now, so I think that is definitely grounds for seriously considering doing the deed. If I wait too much longer, how many more trips will I miss because of my stupid passport and visa issues? It makes for a very tepid London experience, because believe me, for 7 or 8 months of the year, London is the kind of place that you get desperate to leave. And not being able to induces the very uncomfortable feeling of being trapped in an overcast and depressing prison.

In other equally dramatic news, although news which does not yet affect me directly, my company has officially been bought out by another radio giant. Our CEO broke the news to us on Tuesday, and ended months of speculation and uncertainty. Well, I say that, but once the merge has been accomplished and all the technicalities adhered to, which will take about 4 months, the uncertainties will actually just increase. That is when our new owner will take over the day to day running of the newly merged company, and will start hiring and firing at will. It unsettles to me to know that my boss is already exploring alternative employment opportunities.

Last time we merged in 2005 - our company acquired another to form who we are today - the PAs were told that they would all have to interview for their jobs as there were too few slots available. Then a few went on to take the attractive redundancy package offered, and luckily the interviews never happened. I wonder if this will be the case again? How ironic - I finally take a permanent job to get the security and career opportunities I've been sorely lacking for the past two years, and now I might end up losing my job! Of course, it's a long way off, and none of us are really bothered right now. But it will interesting to see how things pan out in 4 months time.

Tomorrow morning I leave for the Commercial Conference; the annual team-building, inspiring and educational 24 hours that are supposed to give my department new direction for the future, and which usually just end up being a race to get out of hand more quickly than the person next to you. Finally, my first proper office party in London. I'm very much looking forward to it - details on Monday. :-)