Not really in the mood for posting today. There are two people in my life, both of whom I love very much, who suffer from something that is causing them to hurt themselves, and today I had to face up to the fact yet again that there is nothing I can personally do to save them.
It's horrible to watch someone you love slowly destroying themselves, knowing that they know you know, but you can be about as much help as a hole in the head. It's not even like I can use my blog for therapy to figure out my part in it and how I should be reacting, because you can't splash out someone else's pain in public for your own benefit, and there are enough of my family and friends who read this to make it impossible. It makes me angry that this even exists in life - if I had it my way everyone would just have that little bit of extra strength that would keep them from taking that proverbial step over the edge.
Anything else that I thought of writing before my contact with one of these women seems so trivial now. I'm at a really good place in my life at the moment - the first half of this year was so incredibly shit, and recently I feel like I've just burst through the surface of the lake and taken a deep breath. Finally I feel like my bad luck has ended, and it's ok to relax and enjoy the ride, instead of squeezing my eyes shut in dread at the almost certain disaster lurking round the next corner. And then I spoke to her this morning, and I felt so.... I don't know, not exactly bad for being in a good place; but just in despair that I can't pass a little of that on to the people who really need it. I would give up my trip to Portugal in a second, and stay home alone all over again if it would help her just a little bit. Anything. We've been speaking alot over the last few weeks because she's been going through something really big, and I've been there for her to offer advice, support and unconditional acceptance. And then this morning I read through our conversation over the last couple of weeks, and I got so angry - an anger completely borne out of despair and my inability to help. I'm not angry with her - I could never be, but I'm so angry with the situation. Not just for her, but for them both. I desperately want to make things right so they're both happy and healthy again, and my anger comes from the fact that I can't - they're suffering and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, besides be there for them, which sounds all nice and fluffy but in reality, is empty and seemingly useless.
I know pain and suffering are part of life, and unfortunately it's not always your own that hurts the most. But there should be a system - a buddy system maybe. Like, if its gets too much and you can't find a way out, you could pass a bit of yours on to a friend who was stronger, so she could take on enough so that you could get back on your feet and heal.
There's no way to end this, since there's no end in sight, at least in the near future. So I guess I will end by asking all of you to think of one person in your life who is in trouble, and think if there's anything you can do to make their pain a little more bearable. Even if it's just calling up to say hello and tell them you love them. I know I'm going to do it right now.
It's horrible to watch someone you love slowly destroying themselves, knowing that they know you know, but you can be about as much help as a hole in the head. It's not even like I can use my blog for therapy to figure out my part in it and how I should be reacting, because you can't splash out someone else's pain in public for your own benefit, and there are enough of my family and friends who read this to make it impossible. It makes me angry that this even exists in life - if I had it my way everyone would just have that little bit of extra strength that would keep them from taking that proverbial step over the edge.
Anything else that I thought of writing before my contact with one of these women seems so trivial now. I'm at a really good place in my life at the moment - the first half of this year was so incredibly shit, and recently I feel like I've just burst through the surface of the lake and taken a deep breath. Finally I feel like my bad luck has ended, and it's ok to relax and enjoy the ride, instead of squeezing my eyes shut in dread at the almost certain disaster lurking round the next corner. And then I spoke to her this morning, and I felt so.... I don't know, not exactly bad for being in a good place; but just in despair that I can't pass a little of that on to the people who really need it. I would give up my trip to Portugal in a second, and stay home alone all over again if it would help her just a little bit. Anything. We've been speaking alot over the last few weeks because she's been going through something really big, and I've been there for her to offer advice, support and unconditional acceptance. And then this morning I read through our conversation over the last couple of weeks, and I got so angry - an anger completely borne out of despair and my inability to help. I'm not angry with her - I could never be, but I'm so angry with the situation. Not just for her, but for them both. I desperately want to make things right so they're both happy and healthy again, and my anger comes from the fact that I can't - they're suffering and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, besides be there for them, which sounds all nice and fluffy but in reality, is empty and seemingly useless.
I know pain and suffering are part of life, and unfortunately it's not always your own that hurts the most. But there should be a system - a buddy system maybe. Like, if its gets too much and you can't find a way out, you could pass a bit of yours on to a friend who was stronger, so she could take on enough so that you could get back on your feet and heal.
There's no way to end this, since there's no end in sight, at least in the near future. So I guess I will end by asking all of you to think of one person in your life who is in trouble, and think if there's anything you can do to make their pain a little more bearable. Even if it's just calling up to say hello and tell them you love them. I know I'm going to do it right now.
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