The Sound of Musical Appliances

Last night the four of us sat around our lounge discussing our new place. I say discussing, but actually we were having a right old bitch. We've wanted to be south west for so long now, but when you're really comfortable somewhere and the new place doesn't quite measure up... well, let's just say we're having teething problems!

Here are our issues - abbreviated for your reading pleasure, as we were on such a roll, the rant lasted a good half hour.

1. It's cold. Not just cool, but cold to the point of needing extra blankets at night, and putting on tracksuits and slippers in the mornings when we come through for breakfast. In Woolwich, our apartment was so warm all year round that we never used our central heating, and jerseys were never worn inside the house. Ever.

2. The washing machine leaks.

3. The geyser takes too long to heat up and barely lasts for 3 showers.

4. The extractor fans for both the bathrooms and the kitchen are located in the storage cupboard (???????????). When you turn them on, they make the most annoying rumbling noises but don't actually extract anything.

5. Flushing the toilets requires both hands with some serious weight behind them. No, really. Unless you have puppies like the Incredible Hulk, the strength of one arm is not enough to get your shit down the pipe. And speaking of that, the suction is pretty bad in said pipes. We get floaters. I'll say no more.

6. The freezer was made for little people who eat miniature food. Perhaps it would be ok for a couple, provided they're not shopping for a whole month. For 4 people who shop weekly and freeze just about everything they buy, there are three words. Taking the piss.

7. The noise. While we have thankfully moved far away from the chavs who haunted our nights, we have a new issue. This is the noisiest house we have ever been in. You can hear the traffic outside 24/7. The washing machine sounds like a cement mixer. The toaster, microwave and dishwasher all beep when they've finished doing their thing, and not just in a normal way, but 5 times louder and more often that your average appliance. The useless extractor fan rumbles like thunder in the storage cupboard. When we're sitting in the lounge watching tv, we have to turn it way up just to hear while the washing machine roars its way through its cycle. Then of course we try and talk, and end up shouting at each other from 2 feet away over the combined cacophony. Peaceful it is not.

I'm sure these kinks will work themselves out, and eventually it will become totally normal and we'll all start to feel at home. In the meantime, we're just doing everything at maximum volume to drown out the background noise. I pity our poor neighbours....