The 73 Characteristics of Cheese (and other politically charged topics of conversation)

It's reaching epidemic proportions. My intellect is being assualted by conversation so mundane, it is killing my brain cells by proximity alone.

Last night we were having a perfectly normal conversation about cricket. Scarf doesn't understand test cricket, and Eyes and I were explaining it to her. Then, in the middle of our discussion, this:

Scarf (removing a block of cheese from the fridge): Baby, I'm so excited to try this cheese!
Me: (suppressing groan of agony)
Eyes: I know, me too! It's going to be the bomb.
Insert - the cheese rendered worthy of the next half hour conversation is an extra matured cheddar from Sainsburys
Scarf: I'll put some in the risotto, shall I? It's nice and strong, and full of flavour. It should compliment it really well.
Eyes: Oooh, excellent idea.
Insert - 10 minute discussion about what ingredients go really well in risotto
Me: (rolling eyes at high speed revolutions and attempting to sing Mmmbop to myself in my head in order to drown out voices. Why Mmmbop, I don't know - it's just a good song to have stuck in your head if you want one that stays put)
Scarf: Do you know what we should have bought though? PARMESAN!
Me: (gnashing teeth in effort to remain silent - try to mentally prepare self for onslaught of the finer characteristics of Parmesan cheese)
Eyes: Now that would have been good.
Scarf: But we don't use Parmesan that much. So we can't really justify spending that kind of money on it, as it will just go off.
Eyes: No baby, cheese keeps for ages. Especially Parmesan.
Scarf: I suppose you're right.
Eyes: Parmesan is a hard cheese.
Scarf: And a tasty one.
Eyes: And it goes with so many things.
Scarf: Pizza, pasta, risotto.......
Me: (leave room)
Insert - peer round kitchen door 10 minutes later, eavesdrop on conversation. It's not about cheese!
Me: (re-enter kitchen, continue making salad)
Scarf: ..... blah blah blah, and then she said rhubarb rhubarb, and..... yoh hey, this risotto is SO GOOD!
Eyes: HMMMMMMM! And it goes with so many things.....
Me: (give up on making salad, make plans to eat in room)

Oh my sainted aunt. I am going to record them chatting one night. In fact, I'll record them on several nights over the course of a week, and watch their reactions when I play it back to them. The big question is though, will they be as incredulous as I am about their abilities to discuss a big fat cup of NOTHING for so long? I'd be fascinated to find out.

In other news, I helped out on a gig again on Wednesday night. This time we had Jordin Sparks, winner of American Idol Season 6, in the studio. She sang for about 30 competition winners and us crew obviously, and spent some time chatting with the crowd. She's very friendly, and much prettier in person than she appeared on tv, but she is huge. Really. I don't mean fat, although she's certainly not skinny either. I mean just massive, by normal female standards. She's like an amazon woman; she has a big, solid frame and she's SO tall. By my estimates (gauged by measuring her against some of the guys as she walked past) she must be about 6.1 or so. That really is tall for a woman. Can you tell I haven't spent a lot of time around catwalk models?! I'm not crazy about her - her music is rather bland and her voice is good but not incredible - but she was very engaging to watch live; at least, when she was talking.

Tonight the whole gang is off to the Whitehouse in Clapham for Jem's birthday. I haven't done any significant drinking for two weeks now, and judging by the fever pitched excitement levels, neither has anyone else. This means mayhem, to be sure. I intend to remain fairly controlled, so as to enjoy the view from my lofty, I'm-better-than-you-right-now perch while everyone else wallows in the dirty depths of drunken behaviour. I'll let you know how that goes!