Run To The Water

When it comes to working out, I am a cardio snob. I feel that if I do less than 30 mins running, stepping or cross training and my vest is not soaked through at the end of it, then my gym session hasn't really been worth it. I aim to burn at least 350 calories per workout on cardio alone, and finish off with as many ab exercises as my protesting body can handle. Twice a week I add some toning to the mix.

Let me quickly state for the record that I am not a natural gym bunny - I am a carefully developed one. I would much rather sit on the couch with a glass of wine, but exercise is an evil necessity to which I have become accustomed over the years. I will never enjoy the hours I spend on the treadmill, but I have learned to accept them as part of my routine, and to enjoy the satisfaction that comes with the results.

Seeing as I equate burn and sweat with a good workout, it stands to reason that I'm not usually found in classes where the focus is more "gentle strengthen and tone" and less "I'm going to break your balls and feed them to you over the next hour". A class such as aqua aerobics, for example, is not somewhere you would normally spot me, but yesterday that is exactly where I was.

The recent spell of hot weather in London has turned the gym into a sauna, and the fact that they insist on using the (already inadequate) air conditioning as little as possible is not helping. Shoes says they do this because increased temperature burns more body fat. He gets this from watching UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championships) where the guys train in heated gyms and even wrap themselves in plastic bags so as to burn off more fat. This might work fine for a prize fighter - to be fair, they are all in absolute peak condition, but for us plebs it only serves to decrease output and cut one's workout time in half, as after 20 mins it becomes difficult to breathe through the clouds of steaming vapour exuding from your sweat-soaked clothing.

Yesterday I just couldn't face another one of these workouts. The trauma of being unattractively wet and smelly before I'd even set the timing on the treadmill was too much, so I decided to give aqua aerobics a try. I thought it would be a waste of time; something to assuage the guilt I'd otherwise feel at not going to gym, but not really an actual contribution to my weekly workout plan. Instead, I found some of the aerobic exercises executed against the resistance of the water to be quite tiring!

We started off with many of the same moves you find in regular aerobics: marching on the spot, jumping jacks, step-touch, knee lifts, step-kick-change. I am normally very co-ordinated - I did gymnastics for 7 years and have been regularly going to aerobics and dance classes at gym ever since my early twenties. However, the difference in doing these exercises in the water was enough to have me flopping around like a fish and giggling like an imbecile. To complete the picture of silliness, they give you these enormous gloves to wear to streamline your hands. The icing on the cake was the music: we were step-kick-changing (or movements approximating that instruction - it was more like undignified but surreptitious flailing about) to Freak Out, Say A Little Prayer and my personal pick of the day, Sing Hallelujah by Dr Alban. I had to break it down a bit to that one - Shoes says he was watching me from upstairs and while everyone else was obediently crawl stroke marching around the pool, I was bopping to the beat Snoop Dogg style.

After the basics, we moved on to arm weights, which are actually weightless, but provide plenty of toning opportunity when you're pushing them around underwater. Then it was on to pool noodles for an abs workout - they call them waddles here, but I can't say that without snickering so I'll stick with noodles. While my arms aren't sore today, I can feel the odd twinge in my abs, and I have to say I was getting a bit tired toward the end of the reps.

Ultimately, I have to admit I am now an aqua aerobics convert. Not only did I get a fairly decent toning workout, I didn't even break a sweat. Plus, I got to admire the occasional eye candy in the form of the swimmers, including my Shoe, who came to do some lengths so he could laugh at me. I may have looked like a jellyfish masquerading as a dolphin, but I'll be there next week with gloves on. Perhaps they'll play Dr Alban's It's My Life.