Overheard by Shoes last night at the dinner table (mercifully I was in the shower at the time):
Eyes: (watching Scarf with interest) Hey baby, you don't normally cut your potato like that!
Scarf: What? Yes I do.
Eyes: No you don't. You normally do it like this. *demonstrates by cutting own potato*
Scarf: Oh yes, you're right!
Eyes: Why did you cut it differently?
Scarf: I don't know. Weird. I'll cut it normally now.
You know what they say about couples who spend too much time together, right? They drop right off the radar of Conversations Suitable For Public Consumption and find themselves languishing in the murky depths of Conversations You Should Never Have Around Other People For Fear They Will Have You Committed (And Rightly So).
I've had a very hectic week at work. So busy in fact, that by Wednesday I was contemplating pulling a sickie to recover from my first two days, which felt like two years. But then I couldn't, cos I had to much bloody work. Today is the first time I've had some breathing space. For the most part, it has been busy but smooth. One event stands out though, as being a disaster area. Think Ground Zero, or the aftermath of Chernobyl. Think the worst case scenario and then add a healthy dose of how the fuck did that happen. How not to pitch to clients 101. Here's how it went down.
Two of the girls on my team, Shiv and Lils, had a presentation to some very important clients. Clients they have been nurturing, ego-stroking and subtly coercing for the last three months. This was the Big Pitch. Cue high adrenaline on Tuesday morning. I help them set up the room: tea and coffee, our best china (which is not very good, but hey ho), water, fruit juice, biscuits, fresh fruit, sweets, mints - The Works. We are putting on a show, and by george they will be impressed. Ok, time to get the presentation ready. Connect laptop. Shit, projector not working. Call JJ, fabulous general maintenance man, to plead for help. JJ not in yet. Call Al from the post room. Al bumbles around a bit, gets projector working. Grand.
Clients arrive. Presentation begins.
11:07 - Projector cuts out. Is given a firm bang, and starts up again.
11:09 - Projector cuts out again. Shiv barrells into reception and grabs spare desktop projector.
11:12 - Desktop projector connected. No picture. Lils making frantic calls to JJ.
11:13 - Main projector comes back on. Happy days! Presentation recommences.
11:17 - Laptop dies. Reserve laptop brought in and hooked up. Presentation recommences.
11:24 - Second laptop dies. Lils starts telling clients about what she did on the weekend. Shiv running around in circles, a crazed look in her eyes.
11:30 - Third laptop connected. Picture up. Presentation recommences.
11:37 - Third laptop dies. Lils telling clients about her daughter's first day at school. Shiv leaving death messages on JJ's phone.
11:39 - Shiv still crawling around on hands and knees in front of client, bum stuck unceremoniously up in air. Lils passing round baby pictures.
11:43 - JJ rocks up, nearly turns tail and runs when sees unstable state of Shiv.
11:50 - JJ plugs last wire in and switches on laptop. Collective intake of breath..
11:51 - Picture up! Round of applause. JJ retreats to safety of kitchen and proceeds to discuss with me the mentality of people who do not connect IT equipment correctly first time round. Presentation recommences.
11:53 - Shiv bursts through kitchen door, hair standing on end, eyes murderous. Speakers not working.
11:56 - JJ trying to get sound. Shiv changes her mind (by now bordering on criminally insane) and says sound not needed. Cannot delay clients any further.
11:57 - Presentation recommences. Get to end without further mishap, but all videos are watched in silence, like olden day movies.
12:20 - Wrap up. Shiv and Lils take clients to lunch. Bribe them with very expensive wine and premiere tickets for Seven Pounds.
Shiv and Lils subdued to the point of chronic depression for rest of week. Many, many angry e-mails fired off to CEO. People sympathetic for about 30 seconds, then enthusiastic piss taking ensues. I love this team!
Eyes: (watching Scarf with interest) Hey baby, you don't normally cut your potato like that!
Scarf: What? Yes I do.
Eyes: No you don't. You normally do it like this. *demonstrates by cutting own potato*
Scarf: Oh yes, you're right!
Eyes: Why did you cut it differently?
Scarf: I don't know. Weird. I'll cut it normally now.
You know what they say about couples who spend too much time together, right? They drop right off the radar of Conversations Suitable For Public Consumption and find themselves languishing in the murky depths of Conversations You Should Never Have Around Other People For Fear They Will Have You Committed (And Rightly So).
I've had a very hectic week at work. So busy in fact, that by Wednesday I was contemplating pulling a sickie to recover from my first two days, which felt like two years. But then I couldn't, cos I had to much bloody work. Today is the first time I've had some breathing space. For the most part, it has been busy but smooth. One event stands out though, as being a disaster area. Think Ground Zero, or the aftermath of Chernobyl. Think the worst case scenario and then add a healthy dose of how the fuck did that happen. How not to pitch to clients 101. Here's how it went down.
Two of the girls on my team, Shiv and Lils, had a presentation to some very important clients. Clients they have been nurturing, ego-stroking and subtly coercing for the last three months. This was the Big Pitch. Cue high adrenaline on Tuesday morning. I help them set up the room: tea and coffee, our best china (which is not very good, but hey ho), water, fruit juice, biscuits, fresh fruit, sweets, mints - The Works. We are putting on a show, and by george they will be impressed. Ok, time to get the presentation ready. Connect laptop. Shit, projector not working. Call JJ, fabulous general maintenance man, to plead for help. JJ not in yet. Call Al from the post room. Al bumbles around a bit, gets projector working. Grand.
Clients arrive. Presentation begins.
11:07 - Projector cuts out. Is given a firm bang, and starts up again.
11:09 - Projector cuts out again. Shiv barrells into reception and grabs spare desktop projector.
11:12 - Desktop projector connected. No picture. Lils making frantic calls to JJ.
11:13 - Main projector comes back on. Happy days! Presentation recommences.
11:17 - Laptop dies. Reserve laptop brought in and hooked up. Presentation recommences.
11:24 - Second laptop dies. Lils starts telling clients about what she did on the weekend. Shiv running around in circles, a crazed look in her eyes.
11:30 - Third laptop connected. Picture up. Presentation recommences.
11:37 - Third laptop dies. Lils telling clients about her daughter's first day at school. Shiv leaving death messages on JJ's phone.
11:39 - Shiv still crawling around on hands and knees in front of client, bum stuck unceremoniously up in air. Lils passing round baby pictures.
11:43 - JJ rocks up, nearly turns tail and runs when sees unstable state of Shiv.
11:50 - JJ plugs last wire in and switches on laptop. Collective intake of breath..
11:51 - Picture up! Round of applause. JJ retreats to safety of kitchen and proceeds to discuss with me the mentality of people who do not connect IT equipment correctly first time round. Presentation recommences.
11:53 - Shiv bursts through kitchen door, hair standing on end, eyes murderous. Speakers not working.
11:56 - JJ trying to get sound. Shiv changes her mind (by now bordering on criminally insane) and says sound not needed. Cannot delay clients any further.
11:57 - Presentation recommences. Get to end without further mishap, but all videos are watched in silence, like olden day movies.
12:20 - Wrap up. Shiv and Lils take clients to lunch. Bribe them with very expensive wine and premiere tickets for Seven Pounds.
Shiv and Lils subdued to the point of chronic depression for rest of week. Many, many angry e-mails fired off to CEO. People sympathetic for about 30 seconds, then enthusiastic piss taking ensues. I love this team!
4 comments:
TA, and a million times Ta! I had a really crappy afternoon and really needed a laugh, but was denied access to the interwebs because of some wire or another going awol... fortunately that is fixed and whilst I'm better now... your description of the presentation just made my day!!! I hope your colleagues have recovered and that you keep those visions in your memory box for future entertainment/laugh needs! Have a good weekend.
It's is my pleasure, I'm glad I could brighten your day! I have to admit, I was having a good laugh about it myself, as it wasn't my meeting and I had nothing to do with the set up. Touch wood bad karma doesn't bite my ass!
Eyes & Scarfs definitely have some strange conversations ...
Though the one with Shoes last night in the bathroom takes the cake.
Shoes lowers the lights
Lopz: What you doing baby?
Shoes: Just setting the mood
Lopz: To brush my teeth?
Shoes: You never know hey baby
Miss M: Guys I am here.
mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Post a Comment