Dear Kimi Raikonnen

Dear Kimi Raikonnen

As you know, Formula 1 started again last week, and I have to tell you that watching you race yesterday completely made my weekend. You should know I'm your biggest ever fan, and that I've been supporting you since you first started racing; even when all around me, die-hard Schumi fans were dismissing you as a flash in the pan. I always believed that you would reach the top, and last year you proved my confidence in you to be well founded when you took the Championship.

You were never daunted by Schumi's larger-than-life reputation, Montoya's balls (but I guess you knew better than we did how balls + no brains = bull in a china shop) or Lewis Hamilton's rookie rise to glory. You were always consistent, never giving up even when your chances seemed impossible.

So it is with a heavy heart, Kimi, that I must ask: what the feck happened to you yesterday? I know you had problems in qualifying, but at first it seemed you were going to show them what being World Champ was all about, as you cut through the field to 7th place from 15th. But then you spun off twice - 2 critical errors which cost you those hard-fought places. Even though your eventual retirement was engine-related and had nothing to do with your driving errors, it all added up to a dismal performance, didn't it?

Kimi, I feel compelled to tell you that I was disappointed in you yesterday. Heaven knows you have some of the worst luck that has ever plagued an F1 driver, but yesterday much of what befell you was your doing. The removal of traction control will separate the men from the boys, and Kimi, yesterday you were more boy than man. But I know you're better than that, I still believe in you. Don't fail me now, not when we've come this far. You see, when you don't finish in the top 3, I miss your post-race interview. The way you speak as if you've never heard of punctuation, in a flat monotone that doesn't change even when you win a race - I find it rather endearing and I enjoy waiting for the very rare moments that you smile... something which I think I have seen once in the 6 years I have been watching you.

I know you are often distracted by models, lapdancers and strip clubs. How I wish I could have been there when you launched into your own striptease at a London club last year just as McLaren were about to unveil their new car. But you should know that there is more to life than tequila, cars and boobies. For example, there is shopping, and it is on this subject which I must now ask your advice. Since you moved to Ferrari, I've been in a bit of a quandry. I am not a Ferarri supporter, never have been. I supported McLaren all the way, even when you left last year. I can find it in my heart to support both the driver and the other team. Since McLaren were stupid enough to be caught cheating - because let's face it, you all do it, they just did it badly - I have decided they are no longer worthy of my support. But I still don't really like Ferarri. So my problem is, what merchandise do I buy this year? I must say I do look quite good in red, and I would very much like to have your name emblazoned across my chest. I just don't really want to be lumped in with all those crazy Italians, they're a little too much for me, know what I mean?

I was hoping you could arrange to have custom made t-shirts printed with your name, but in your favourite colour, instead of red. That way I can support you but still diss your team when they get on their high horse.

You can call me at the number below at any time - no really, 3am from your favourite bar is fine too. And please tell Massa from me that he's kind of hot. Nothing compared to you, but hot just the same. It might help him win more races.

Ok. Call me.

Kisses,
Lopz
0769-I-LUV-U